Fantasy Tonight: The Gloucester Cheese Roll -- sometimes the British are so damn inspiring

by Noah

Recently, I’ve been seeing news clips of an annual event that always has the Brits enthralled -- when they aren’t comatose and lying on the sidewalks of their towns in pools of their own beer vomit, that is. It’s the Gloucester Cheese Roll. I first became aware of it through ESPN and then Countdown, but, in true American corporate fashion, the reports of those networks are not easily available for viewing on the internet. After all, why would a TV network want to promote itself or its shows? Fortunately, I found a longer, better visual of the event on youtube.

Now that's entertainment! It's The Brits! Rolling cheese down a hill and chasing it. First loon to the bottom "wins". The winner hoists the cheese! I hope it's really good cheese. No doubt alcohol is involved, as it is with every aspect of British life, but maybe it's just the inbreeding. Dig the guy with the horse head. Obviously the Brits are taking that human-animal hybrid thing seriously.

This event has inspired me! I also realize that I may be letting a personal bigotry that I have get the best of me. Hey, I, Noah, “have a British friend,” so how dare I call myself a bigot?

To the civilized mind, guys or girls chasing rolling cheese down a hill while wearing a horse head or even ending up carried off the course on a spine-immobilizing stretcher may seem somewhat barbaric, but to the vengeful mind, my mind, I find something better. I find inspiration!

Just as Americans of the early 19th century adapted another British sport, cricket, into the national pastime of baseball, why can’t we adapt the cheese roll? Sure, it’s a fantasy, but isn’t life about making our fantasies come true?

Here’s how it would go:

First, I would find a boulder-strewn, pockmarked hill somewhere just outside of Washington, DC, where, as newly elected Benevolent Dictator, I would stage my new, improved version of this hallowed British tradition. Next, I would place some angled six-foot-long very sharp iron spikes at the bottom of the course. Poison-tipping them would be optional, or only for special national holiday races.

Then I would pass a law that decreed that the only way K Street could possibly pass money into the gaping eager pockets of our bribe sponging U.S senawhores would be through events such as what I am proposing. Instead of a large roll of smelly cheese, as shown in the clip, my little game would feature a large roll of stinking cash, provided by K Street. The Senate would be “invited” to participate. If the greedy, evil, good-for-nothing slimebuckets like Max Baucus and Chuck “Grasshole” Grassley want the cash, they have to dash, downhill. I might even give those two a head start.

The element of extreme risk would be introduced and there would be the side benefit of having the greediest, fastest, connivingest, piggiest members of the Senate standing a jolly good chance of impalement at the fantasy line. Who wouldn’t tune in to ESPN to see if Max Baucus got deservedly kababbed at the finish line? I know I would! The whole thing is evolution at work, the greediest and fastest etc. would risk all in a frenzied hopeless endeavor. They think they can win the prize, but the odds are stacked against them.

I’d even let a few win once in a while, like a casino does just to encourage participation. If the K Street Bribery Squads want to peddle some influence, this will be the only legal way for them to do it. This idea could even be adapted to the handing out of bailout money to banksters! All in favor?